My heart is struggling to keep itself locked away. Its holding tight to its chains but you are pulling it free…with tears in its eyes its hoping that you can…that you will.
How do you stop your heart spiralling into love when you know the one you love could be gone faster then you can comprehend? How do you mend the break before it happens? How do you forgive a world that is tearing you apart or how do you accept promises that will take the one you cherish away from you? How do you forget a person who is perfect even in his flaws? How do you pick yourself up when you feel no strength or life left?
I cant leave you go. Music is sweeter with you. Food is more life giving. Adventure is more thrilling. Peace is real. Tears fall faster and my heart cant believe its over just as it accepts you.
I pray if this ends I find strength like ive never known before for its impossible to recover from someone who has never hurt you, never left you fall, taught you what kindness is and made you believe in love.
Maybe it wont be me that comes out of the flames. Maybe im not supposed to get back up this time.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
4 August 2011
7 May 2009
TRUST AND MORE
I read once that the hardest thing in life for any soul to learn is to learn to trust. Whether you believe that we only live once or we live many lives over, the hardest thing we will do is to learn to love unconditionally and to trust fully. We can feel waves of love...we can feel that intense burning to protect someone, to never be apart from the person who makes you feel alive, even to die for that persons life, but you can feel all these things and when you stop and think 'but do i trust them?' you can be shocked to see you dont.
What is it to trust fully? Is it to feel safe? To know the person you trust never plays on your fears or weaknesses but tells you truth and stands firmly by your side, not stabbing you from behind or manipulating you forward? Someone that, when they speak, you know the words are soft and not double edged with a shadowed side you cant see? Someone who simply catches you in a game of trust or who will pick you up on time? or is it even deeper... someone who you can't trust to pick you up on time but you can place all your emotional trust in... place your heart in their hands and know it will be forever safe because its deeper then material,social boundries? Are there different forms, shades, grades, degrees of trust or is there one universal form of trust? I dont know.
Ive woken up to realise a personality trait of mine has been manipulated again. A personality trait i see as a strength when i can use it right but one that can be fucked back in my face easily. I feel peoples emotions,and im an emotional person, overly sometime but i want to be because i can understand what makes that person happy. I can also use it to protect me, to avoid people who are angry and can hurt me...thats how it developed in the first place. But because it developed from anger i cant trust. I expect every good emotion to be followed by a bad one. Ive always tried to learn from this and to let go. To believe there are people out there that dont want to hurt me as much as i dont want to hurt anyone. Honestly, ive found a handful. Some of the most beautiful people this earth will ever see but to find more i have to be vulnerable. I will question your kind motives or the kind words you express the first time but if you do or say it again i will choose to believe you as i want to give you a chance. But ive realized, yet again, i was wrong to trust.
Why can one investment of trust gone wrong nearly wipe out the investments that are pure? And what happens when your vision is blurred? This time around i was in the wrong. I couldnt hold back and i couldnt hide the feelings i should have. I didnt know why until now but I needed to go through this form of "trust fucking" to see that even when you try and invest in someone who seems genuine and has no blatantly obvious manipulative traits they can lurk underneath and having blurred sight is a sign in itself to be even more protective of yourself. But this could make me close off completely... i dont want to close off to the world. Im not going to close off because for every fist full of people who have hurt and manipulated me ive been given the beautiful gift of one person who is worth everyone of those manipulative assholes and more. And the pain caused by one is not worth destroying the love and trust from another.
Speak truth, always speak truth. Dont speak at all if its not. If speaking the truth could hurt you or someone, question how it got that way in the first place. If you lie, expect a lie back. If you hurt on purpose youll hurt back. If it makes you sick walk away, if it hurts walk away, if it makes you cry walk away, if it makes you bleed walk away. If it makes you smile hold tight, if it makes you feel safe hold it tight, if it makes you cry because your heart is exploding with love hold it tight...if you trust it, never, ever let go! Trust = Love = Happiness.
It is an equal failing to trust everybody, and to trust nobody.
English proverb
Don't trust the person who has broken faith once.
William Shakespeare (1564-1616)
The person who truely loves you and cares will listen to truth when you speak it. They will trust you even more for your honesty.
I read once that the hardest thing in life for any soul to learn is to learn to trust. Whether you believe that we only live once or we live many lives over, the hardest thing we will do is to learn to love unconditionally and to trust fully. We can feel waves of love...we can feel that intense burning to protect someone, to never be apart from the person who makes you feel alive, even to die for that persons life, but you can feel all these things and when you stop and think 'but do i trust them?' you can be shocked to see you dont.
What is it to trust fully? Is it to feel safe? To know the person you trust never plays on your fears or weaknesses but tells you truth and stands firmly by your side, not stabbing you from behind or manipulating you forward? Someone that, when they speak, you know the words are soft and not double edged with a shadowed side you cant see? Someone who simply catches you in a game of trust or who will pick you up on time? or is it even deeper... someone who you can't trust to pick you up on time but you can place all your emotional trust in... place your heart in their hands and know it will be forever safe because its deeper then material,social boundries? Are there different forms, shades, grades, degrees of trust or is there one universal form of trust? I dont know.
Ive woken up to realise a personality trait of mine has been manipulated again. A personality trait i see as a strength when i can use it right but one that can be fucked back in my face easily. I feel peoples emotions,and im an emotional person, overly sometime but i want to be because i can understand what makes that person happy. I can also use it to protect me, to avoid people who are angry and can hurt me...thats how it developed in the first place. But because it developed from anger i cant trust. I expect every good emotion to be followed by a bad one. Ive always tried to learn from this and to let go. To believe there are people out there that dont want to hurt me as much as i dont want to hurt anyone. Honestly, ive found a handful. Some of the most beautiful people this earth will ever see but to find more i have to be vulnerable. I will question your kind motives or the kind words you express the first time but if you do or say it again i will choose to believe you as i want to give you a chance. But ive realized, yet again, i was wrong to trust.
Why can one investment of trust gone wrong nearly wipe out the investments that are pure? And what happens when your vision is blurred? This time around i was in the wrong. I couldnt hold back and i couldnt hide the feelings i should have. I didnt know why until now but I needed to go through this form of "trust fucking" to see that even when you try and invest in someone who seems genuine and has no blatantly obvious manipulative traits they can lurk underneath and having blurred sight is a sign in itself to be even more protective of yourself. But this could make me close off completely... i dont want to close off to the world. Im not going to close off because for every fist full of people who have hurt and manipulated me ive been given the beautiful gift of one person who is worth everyone of those manipulative assholes and more. And the pain caused by one is not worth destroying the love and trust from another.
Speak truth, always speak truth. Dont speak at all if its not. If speaking the truth could hurt you or someone, question how it got that way in the first place. If you lie, expect a lie back. If you hurt on purpose youll hurt back. If it makes you sick walk away, if it hurts walk away, if it makes you cry walk away, if it makes you bleed walk away. If it makes you smile hold tight, if it makes you feel safe hold it tight, if it makes you cry because your heart is exploding with love hold it tight...if you trust it, never, ever let go! Trust = Love = Happiness.
It is an equal failing to trust everybody, and to trust nobody.
English proverb
Don't trust the person who has broken faith once.
William Shakespeare (1564-1616)
The person who truely loves you and cares will listen to truth when you speak it. They will trust you even more for your honesty.
12 July 2008
Missing!
Written 14/02/07
What is that feeling…lack of feeling that is there when you reminisce, when you remember, when you touch your memories?
Why is there a missing link or black hole when it comes to remembering the taste, sensation and utter joy of chocolate slipping down your throat, the sensation of that excruciating physical pain you felt for days, the gentle yet passionate kiss of a sweet person, the touch, voice and smell of a dead loved one.
You have the memories, your body reacts the way it did or should and yet there is emptiness.
You cant “feel” that kiss.
You cant “smell” their scent.
You cant “taste” the chocolate and you cant “feel” the pain.
Of course you cant…you aren’t there or experiencing it at the moment but when you touch the memories part of you expects to “feel” every sensation again.
You cant, even if you truly want to with all your heart.
Besides the memories of pain the others spark little hopes and dreams.
You know you can and will taste chocolate again.
Your memories keep your loved one alive with in you and because you loved, even though it pains, you want to feel that again and you wish to feel lips touch yours again.
This empty, confused, missing link is what pushes humanity forward.
To keep living and loving. We want to “feel” everything.
Pain, touch, taste, pounding heartbeat!
We want to know we are alive, we want to be alive, we want to feel alive.
What is that feeling…lack of feeling that is there when you reminisce, when you remember, when you touch your memories?
Why is there a missing link or black hole when it comes to remembering the taste, sensation and utter joy of chocolate slipping down your throat, the sensation of that excruciating physical pain you felt for days, the gentle yet passionate kiss of a sweet person, the touch, voice and smell of a dead loved one.
You have the memories, your body reacts the way it did or should and yet there is emptiness.
You cant “feel” that kiss.
You cant “smell” their scent.
You cant “taste” the chocolate and you cant “feel” the pain.
Of course you cant…you aren’t there or experiencing it at the moment but when you touch the memories part of you expects to “feel” every sensation again.
You cant, even if you truly want to with all your heart.
Besides the memories of pain the others spark little hopes and dreams.
You know you can and will taste chocolate again.
Your memories keep your loved one alive with in you and because you loved, even though it pains, you want to feel that again and you wish to feel lips touch yours again.
This empty, confused, missing link is what pushes humanity forward.
To keep living and loving. We want to “feel” everything.
Pain, touch, taste, pounding heartbeat!
We want to know we are alive, we want to be alive, we want to feel alive.
Oranges!!
Written 1/7/07
I had a deep discussion with a friend recently about why, when hes at home in Dublin he cant find a decent orange but when he is in Cork every single one he picks up is gorgeous. Why was that deep u may ask... it struck us u could apply this to potential partners. (K, yes i will admit we are bumed at the moment about relationships but it all made sense!) Think about it... many times you see a potential partner thats looks perfect on the outside. They seem to be perfect on the inside or at least u hope they are...then u discover their taken by someone else (in the case of oranges some fucker in ur flat has robbed the one u had ur eye on!!), they are bruised by a recent relationship (again some fucker dropped ur orange!) or you get close enough to get bitten by the prick, m or f!! (the oranges scummy when u take a bite!) All right, not getting a nice orange isnt half as bad as realizing u have to leave well alone or having ur heart broken but this is where finding the right orange comes in! In terms of Oranges obviously u have to move to Cork ( ) but we can learn from this for relationships too. We decided u have to go on an adventure & break out of ur safety nets! He randomly discovered a beautiful orange after forgetting he didnt like them in Dublin so we decided u have to let go of expectations & hopes, go on an adventure (if u work out the whole leave Dublin for Cork for a decent orange we decided we prob have to leave the bloody country (drastic!!) but were thinking well try other avenues first!) hence someday we are confident the perfect "orange" will fall out of the skies when were not expecting it. Personally i prefer Mangos!
I had a deep discussion with a friend recently about why, when hes at home in Dublin he cant find a decent orange but when he is in Cork every single one he picks up is gorgeous. Why was that deep u may ask... it struck us u could apply this to potential partners. (K, yes i will admit we are bumed at the moment about relationships but it all made sense!) Think about it... many times you see a potential partner thats looks perfect on the outside. They seem to be perfect on the inside or at least u hope they are...then u discover their taken by someone else (in the case of oranges some fucker in ur flat has robbed the one u had ur eye on!!), they are bruised by a recent relationship (again some fucker dropped ur orange!) or you get close enough to get bitten by the prick, m or f!! (the oranges scummy when u take a bite!) All right, not getting a nice orange isnt half as bad as realizing u have to leave well alone or having ur heart broken but this is where finding the right orange comes in! In terms of Oranges obviously u have to move to Cork ( ) but we can learn from this for relationships too. We decided u have to go on an adventure & break out of ur safety nets! He randomly discovered a beautiful orange after forgetting he didnt like them in Dublin so we decided u have to let go of expectations & hopes, go on an adventure (if u work out the whole leave Dublin for Cork for a decent orange we decided we prob have to leave the bloody country (drastic!!) but were thinking well try other avenues first!) hence someday we are confident the perfect "orange" will fall out of the skies when were not expecting it. Personally i prefer Mangos!
Learn
Written 25/11/06
Without expectation you fall flat on your face and yet, you learn to fly again. All the fears you've just started facing stare defiantly at your soul. You know your soul is ready to face them, ever ready to learn and teach, yet your heart bleeds from old wounds in fear. Your mind bombs you with every logical reason to run but...deep down...when at one with every part of your being you ache and pain just to leave go, to trust, to heal. Are you ready?
You look up from your fall and see the one who is making you fly. You suddenly remember what it is to feel trust. The fear is so painful you grab the "fuzzy feeling" with both hands and run with it. Fears falling away. You want to heal, trust. You want to touch and be touched. Love and be loved. Trust and be trusted.
You let go and soar.
...then...the universe wallops you across the head and sends you plummeting to earth. As you fall you realise this is just another lesson. Your eyes close and tears flow. Why were you so stupid...were you?
You know how the Universe, God, Jesus whom ever, works. You know the only being you have placed any pure trust in will always, love you, teach you, gift you and hurt you. But your heart doesnt bleed from these actions. Hearts only bleed and rot from human actions. Universal actions teach and heal you and this is where you place your trust.
As you fall to earth the universe slows you and pulls you up right. You land with your two feet placed firmly on the earth. You face the world, your mind screaming 'why were you so stupid?' Your heart bleeding and crying. Its been hurt by human hands again. The "fuzzy feeling" slipping through your fingers.
Yet, you feel your soul stand firm. Forever rooted to the earth and connected to above. You feel strength balance the pain. You feel the pain and learn from it. You move forward confidently knowing you have new knowledge. New knowledge that helps you heal slowly but properly.
This is for anyone who has been hurt no matter how small or large the action. Anyone who has a lot of love but little trust pains in different ways. Just remember the only person who can truely hurt you is yourself. You learn from everyone elses actions and they cut you but it is you that keeps those sores open. Look at them, question why, and heal them.
Without expectation you fall flat on your face and yet, you learn to fly again. All the fears you've just started facing stare defiantly at your soul. You know your soul is ready to face them, ever ready to learn and teach, yet your heart bleeds from old wounds in fear. Your mind bombs you with every logical reason to run but...deep down...when at one with every part of your being you ache and pain just to leave go, to trust, to heal. Are you ready?
You look up from your fall and see the one who is making you fly. You suddenly remember what it is to feel trust. The fear is so painful you grab the "fuzzy feeling" with both hands and run with it. Fears falling away. You want to heal, trust. You want to touch and be touched. Love and be loved. Trust and be trusted.
You let go and soar.
...then...the universe wallops you across the head and sends you plummeting to earth. As you fall you realise this is just another lesson. Your eyes close and tears flow. Why were you so stupid...were you?
You know how the Universe, God, Jesus whom ever, works. You know the only being you have placed any pure trust in will always, love you, teach you, gift you and hurt you. But your heart doesnt bleed from these actions. Hearts only bleed and rot from human actions. Universal actions teach and heal you and this is where you place your trust.
As you fall to earth the universe slows you and pulls you up right. You land with your two feet placed firmly on the earth. You face the world, your mind screaming 'why were you so stupid?' Your heart bleeding and crying. Its been hurt by human hands again. The "fuzzy feeling" slipping through your fingers.
Yet, you feel your soul stand firm. Forever rooted to the earth and connected to above. You feel strength balance the pain. You feel the pain and learn from it. You move forward confidently knowing you have new knowledge. New knowledge that helps you heal slowly but properly.
This is for anyone who has been hurt no matter how small or large the action. Anyone who has a lot of love but little trust pains in different ways. Just remember the only person who can truely hurt you is yourself. You learn from everyone elses actions and they cut you but it is you that keeps those sores open. Look at them, question why, and heal them.
Garnet Blood.
Look at Garnet you see the dark, the black cloud that is within everyone...but hold it to the rays of sunlight and see its hidden beauty.
The flashes of crimson read, like pooled blood warmed with passion.
Be warned...look closer and you will see this crystal wishes to teach you.
It brought two hands together and made a heart flutter.
It was as if it was teaching how to let go and love but now it is seen the lesson goes further.
To learn to love someone else again was a bonus but to learn to love oneself was the truth behind the Garnets wink.
Its passion and love caused instinct to wither so fears would be lost, yet it knew the heart would be broken ... it was looking further.
Once broken the heart could heal wounds and mend scars.
It could be rebuilt stronger and with its doors flung open.
Garnet filling the heart with crimson red.
Staring into its core see Garnet has more to teach. Within there it marrys Hatred.
The one force left to be dealt with, dealt with head on!
Garnet draws hatred forward, see its deformed faces.
Yet hatred is a fake. It is made of the dark human emotions humanity denies itself. Anger, fear, sadness, distrust, vulnerability, disappointment, hurt, confusion... each as natural as happiness!
Garnet can show each and each ones weakness.
All lessons in their own right they are not to be feared but read and felt.
Hatred is not real, it is just a term coined to create a bubble around the insecurities of humanity .
The flashes of crimson read, like pooled blood warmed with passion.
Be warned...look closer and you will see this crystal wishes to teach you.
It brought two hands together and made a heart flutter.
It was as if it was teaching how to let go and love but now it is seen the lesson goes further.
To learn to love someone else again was a bonus but to learn to love oneself was the truth behind the Garnets wink.
Its passion and love caused instinct to wither so fears would be lost, yet it knew the heart would be broken ... it was looking further.
Once broken the heart could heal wounds and mend scars.
It could be rebuilt stronger and with its doors flung open.
Garnet filling the heart with crimson red.
Staring into its core see Garnet has more to teach. Within there it marrys Hatred.
The one force left to be dealt with, dealt with head on!
Garnet draws hatred forward, see its deformed faces.
Yet hatred is a fake. It is made of the dark human emotions humanity denies itself. Anger, fear, sadness, distrust, vulnerability, disappointment, hurt, confusion... each as natural as happiness!
Garnet can show each and each ones weakness.
All lessons in their own right they are not to be feared but read and felt.
Hatred is not real, it is just a term coined to create a bubble around the insecurities of humanity .
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