TRUST AND MORE

I read once that the hardest thing in life for any soul to learn is to learn to trust. Whether you believe that we only live once or we live many lives over, the hardest thing we will do is to learn to love unconditionally and to trust fully. We can feel waves of love...we can feel that intense burning to protect someone, to never be apart from the person who makes you feel alive, even to die for that persons life, but you can feel all these things and when you stop and think 'but do i trust them?' you can be shocked to see you dont.

What is it to trust fully? Is it to feel safe? To know the person you trust never plays on your fears or weaknesses but tells you truth and stands firmly by your side, not stabbing you from behind or manipulating you forward? Someone that, when they speak, you know the words are soft and not double edged with a shadowed side you cant see? Someone who simply catches you in a game of trust or who will pick you up on time? or is it even deeper... someone who you can't trust to pick you up on time but you can place all your emotional trust in... place your heart in their hands and know it will be forever safe because its deeper then material,social boundries? Are there different forms, shades, grades, degrees of trust or is there one universal form of trust? I dont know.

Ive woken up to realise a personality trait of mine has been manipulated again. A personality trait i see as a strength when i can use it right but one that can be fucked back in my face easily. I feel peoples emotions,and im an emotional person, overly sometime but i want to be because i can understand what makes that person happy. I can also use it to protect me, to avoid people who are angry and can hurt me...thats how it developed in the first place. But because it developed from anger i cant trust. I expect every good emotion to be followed by a bad one. Ive always tried to learn from this and to let go. To believe there are people out there that dont want to hurt me as much as i dont want to hurt anyone. Honestly, ive found a handful. Some of the most beautiful people this earth will ever see but to find more i have to be vulnerable. I will question your kind motives or the kind words you express the first time but if you do or say it again i will choose to believe you as i want to give you a chance. But ive realized, yet again, i was wrong to trust.

Why can one investment of trust gone wrong nearly wipe out the investments that are pure? And what happens when your vision is blurred? This time around i was in the wrong. I couldnt hold back and i couldnt hide the feelings i should have. I didnt know why until now but I needed to go through this form of "trust fucking" to see that even when you try and invest in someone who seems genuine and has no blatantly obvious manipulative traits they can lurk underneath and having blurred sight is a sign in itself to be even more protective of yourself. But this could make me close off completely... i dont want to close off to the world. Im not going to close off because for every fist full of people who have hurt and manipulated me ive been given the beautiful gift of one person who is worth everyone of those manipulative assholes and more. And the pain caused by one is not worth destroying the love and trust from another.



Speak truth, always speak truth. Dont speak at all if its not. If speaking the truth could hurt you or someone, question how it got that way in the first place. If you lie, expect a lie back. If you hurt on purpose youll hurt back. If it makes you sick walk away, if it hurts walk away, if it makes you cry walk away, if it makes you bleed walk away. If it makes you smile hold tight, if it makes you feel safe hold it tight, if it makes you cry because your heart is exploding with love hold it tight...if you trust it, never, ever let go! Trust = Love = Happiness.

It is an equal failing to trust everybody, and to trust nobody.
English proverb

Don't trust the person who has broken faith once.
William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

The person who truely loves you and cares will listen to truth when you speak it. They will trust you even more for your honesty.

Do you really see me....or me you?

To go from screaming in pain, tears rushing down your face, your body shaking and rocking uncontrollably to switching it all off in a second. Your face goes hard and cold looking, you dont recognize the death mask but you dont care, the vulnerability is gone. The anger and fear go back to their rightful home in the pit of your dead stomach. You stand up, straight and taller then ever before! You feel the barriers come crashing down around you and you dont care that their struts burst through your skin, drive through every muscle, and lodge in your heart, they keep you 'protected'. Your legs buckle under the pressure but you like the physical pain.It pushes you. To lock your pain away your stomach muscles tighten so much you want to throw up. Your chest rises less and less as if a proper breath would let your heart free. You dont care. To finish off you bring a delicate veil over your body so people see pink around you. Your lips curl into a smile, you even know which muscles to move around your eyes to make them look more alive. Spoken to, you control your voice. You are a deception, a fake, a lier and a damn fine actress. Everyone is deceptive but to watch your skill is frightening... and a lesson.

Bastardos.

Written 26/01/07

Would it be better to be a Skank, a slut, a whore?
Do you respond better to a body thrown at you with dull, glazed eyes and a voice so ecstatic your primitive mind can’t hear the fake tone behind it?

This would suit you better, yes?
A body, mind and soul so separated from each other, so dead to each other, so dead to the earth you do what ever your EGO desires.
No string attached.
You can rip the heart out and stamp on it as much as you wish as it is dead anyway!

Hell no! You choose different. You choose us! You choose the ones hurt from their pasts but you don’t know that we chose to learn from this pain. Yet we can not trust.
The trust must be earned.
Somewhere in your ape mind you know this. You manipulate.
You woo.
Your kind and gentle.
Your different to the other apes.
You don’t lunge…you caress,
You nudge and snuggle.
You whisper and your tender.
You lull… you test… “Stay.”
We say “no”, afraid, little alarm bells tinkling yet you have gained the trust you so desired, you smile in such a way we feel safe and know nothing will happen.

Hearts and souls together. Trust let out to live and breathe.
You caress the untouched.
Your weeks of manipulation have rewarded you with an in between glory.
We satisfy your needs till your next bang!

The next day you kill us.
You murder our trust and throw our hearts back in our faces.
We cant understand why…How could you have been so perfect and yet we missed the flaw with in your centre?
Were we really an in between glory or is this inbred social fears?
Were we as pathetic and stupid as we feel or are these inbred insecurities?

It will hurt us for a long time, weeks, months hell years!
But… we learn. In place of the person you killed a new one will rise with new knowledge. We bend and knot but we never break. You will. You will break when your heart opens. It will be trampled on along with all the pain you caused beating down its door for payment. You have a choice that day… face the pain you caused, give payment and learn or close up and wither. Well move on.