Written 29/11/09
I can't see through the tears,
I don't know why I'm even brushing my teeth.
Am i getting myself ready to be presented to God?
My minds screaming and wailing in pain.
I don't even want to stop crying anymore.
It just happens. The stabbing pain in my gut just keeps throbbing, keeps my breath breaking.
I can't see my face in the mirror, the tears blind me,
but my hands still find the soap.
They still gently wash my tear soaked face with soft, warming water.
They still search for and find the towel to dab my face dry before the tears soak it again.
My blind eyes cant even see my glasses but my steady hands always find them.
My mind shakes uncontrollably, my breath comes in painful sobs but my legs stand strong.
My hands dress me, ready for sleep.
My fingers turn on and off lights.
My legs guide me to bed.
My eyes always releasing their tears.
My hands take the bobble down and smooth my hair around my face.
They pull the covers over my body and hide me away.
Now i can cry into my pillow as my knees curl up to my chest, my arms covering my breaking heart. Protecting, stopping me from falling apart.
My mind maybe screaming, my heart feels as if its dieing but my body keeps going.
"There is always one part of you that can keep going."
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
1 December 2009
8 October 2008
Do you really see me....or me you?
To go from screaming in pain, tears rushing down your face, your body shaking and rocking uncontrollably to switching it all off in a second. Your face goes hard and cold looking, you dont recognize the death mask but you dont care, the vulnerability is gone. The anger and fear go back to their rightful home in the pit of your dead stomach. You stand up, straight and taller then ever before! You feel the barriers come crashing down around you and you dont care that their struts burst through your skin, drive through every muscle, and lodge in your heart, they keep you 'protected'. Your legs buckle under the pressure but you like the physical pain.It pushes you. To lock your pain away your stomach muscles tighten so much you want to throw up. Your chest rises less and less as if a proper breath would let your heart free. You dont care. To finish off you bring a delicate veil over your body so people see pink around you. Your lips curl into a smile, you even know which muscles to move around your eyes to make them look more alive. Spoken to, you control your voice. You are a deception, a fake, a lier and a damn fine actress. Everyone is deceptive but to watch your skill is frightening... and a lesson.
12 July 2008
dark,Dark,shadow,truths, Fears & Dreams.
Written 11/07/08
Everyone has heard about the Darkness which is within us all.
Most people have talked about the Darkness.
Some have run headlong into it to explore and find truths whether good or bad. Some last no longer then a day....others just look on but dont enter.
Some come out after getting what they deserved...stronger or weaker but ultimatly whole.
Most learn that this Darkness is alive. It lives and breaths.It is your Will, your Being.
It holds your hand in the light of day and the dark of night.
It is and has the truth that is ultimatly you.
Youve heard before that it holds your Fears...it does.
In the palm of its hand sit your Fears.
Next to the Fears sit your Dreams. Hand in hand on the palm that dictates which you see.
Without fear you have no dreams.
Without fear you have no drive.
Without fear you have no guide.
The fear of not knowing who you are, what you want, what you can be is what drives you into the Darkness.
Step onto the palm of Darkness and look straight into the eyes of your Fears and feel the hands of your Dreams on your shoulder. Accept them as they are you.
Other times a shadow sits among them.
This shadow can spread out among your fears and dreams and cauterise their link to you, to the Darkness. You feel no emotion.
It envelopes you, suffocating your thoughts. Keeping your Dreams and Fears screams from you mind.
It makes you sit in silence, alone, staring into its smoky, morbid, unyeilding black.
The only thing you feel is the pressure building in your head from the confused, un acknowledged thoughts and the expansion of your heart in your cheast as it tries to find love and a reason to live.
Try.....remember you sit in this shadow on the palm of Darkness. The one being that will never let you fall.
This shadow will kill you if you let it or it will make you even stronger then Darkness alone.
Slowly stand up. You may feel dead but your not.
Close your eyes to the shadow and feel its cold against your skin.
Accept it is part of you as only the truths that are you can sit with Darkness.
Ignore your head, let your mind go numb, it is a break from the world outside. Let your heart search, it has a right to.
The shadow is your self destructive side, the strongest Fear of all.
Be patient and accept your fate but never give in to the whispers of the shadow.
Hold out your hands.
The shadow will ooze through your fingers but eventually they will be kissed by a Fear or a Dream.
The strongest ones always find a new way to conect back to you. They are you....they just need a new way to be seen and felt.
Eventually all your Fears and Dreams will have found you.
Eventually the shadow will grow weak and shrink, just another Fear to guide you.
Eventually you will see the face of Darkness again.
Eventually Darkness will lead you back to your path where it will stand beside you.
Nothing is stronger then this ally. Nothing can kill you faster or bring you back to life faster. Nothing can dictate to it and nothing can control it. But once you find it and face it and accept it you will never have anyone closer or more important. It is you.
Everyone has heard about the Darkness which is within us all.
Most people have talked about the Darkness.
Some have run headlong into it to explore and find truths whether good or bad. Some last no longer then a day....others just look on but dont enter.
Some come out after getting what they deserved...stronger or weaker but ultimatly whole.
Most learn that this Darkness is alive. It lives and breaths.It is your Will, your Being.
It holds your hand in the light of day and the dark of night.
It is and has the truth that is ultimatly you.
Youve heard before that it holds your Fears...it does.
In the palm of its hand sit your Fears.
Next to the Fears sit your Dreams. Hand in hand on the palm that dictates which you see.
Without fear you have no dreams.
Without fear you have no drive.
Without fear you have no guide.
The fear of not knowing who you are, what you want, what you can be is what drives you into the Darkness.
Step onto the palm of Darkness and look straight into the eyes of your Fears and feel the hands of your Dreams on your shoulder. Accept them as they are you.
Other times a shadow sits among them.
This shadow can spread out among your fears and dreams and cauterise their link to you, to the Darkness. You feel no emotion.
It envelopes you, suffocating your thoughts. Keeping your Dreams and Fears screams from you mind.
It makes you sit in silence, alone, staring into its smoky, morbid, unyeilding black.
The only thing you feel is the pressure building in your head from the confused, un acknowledged thoughts and the expansion of your heart in your cheast as it tries to find love and a reason to live.
Try.....remember you sit in this shadow on the palm of Darkness. The one being that will never let you fall.
This shadow will kill you if you let it or it will make you even stronger then Darkness alone.
Slowly stand up. You may feel dead but your not.
Close your eyes to the shadow and feel its cold against your skin.
Accept it is part of you as only the truths that are you can sit with Darkness.
Ignore your head, let your mind go numb, it is a break from the world outside. Let your heart search, it has a right to.
The shadow is your self destructive side, the strongest Fear of all.
Be patient and accept your fate but never give in to the whispers of the shadow.
Hold out your hands.
The shadow will ooze through your fingers but eventually they will be kissed by a Fear or a Dream.
The strongest ones always find a new way to conect back to you. They are you....they just need a new way to be seen and felt.
Eventually all your Fears and Dreams will have found you.
Eventually the shadow will grow weak and shrink, just another Fear to guide you.
Eventually you will see the face of Darkness again.
Eventually Darkness will lead you back to your path where it will stand beside you.
Nothing is stronger then this ally. Nothing can kill you faster or bring you back to life faster. Nothing can dictate to it and nothing can control it. But once you find it and face it and accept it you will never have anyone closer or more important. It is you.
Missing!
Written 14/02/07
What is that feeling…lack of feeling that is there when you reminisce, when you remember, when you touch your memories?
Why is there a missing link or black hole when it comes to remembering the taste, sensation and utter joy of chocolate slipping down your throat, the sensation of that excruciating physical pain you felt for days, the gentle yet passionate kiss of a sweet person, the touch, voice and smell of a dead loved one.
You have the memories, your body reacts the way it did or should and yet there is emptiness.
You cant “feel” that kiss.
You cant “smell” their scent.
You cant “taste” the chocolate and you cant “feel” the pain.
Of course you cant…you aren’t there or experiencing it at the moment but when you touch the memories part of you expects to “feel” every sensation again.
You cant, even if you truly want to with all your heart.
Besides the memories of pain the others spark little hopes and dreams.
You know you can and will taste chocolate again.
Your memories keep your loved one alive with in you and because you loved, even though it pains, you want to feel that again and you wish to feel lips touch yours again.
This empty, confused, missing link is what pushes humanity forward.
To keep living and loving. We want to “feel” everything.
Pain, touch, taste, pounding heartbeat!
We want to know we are alive, we want to be alive, we want to feel alive.
What is that feeling…lack of feeling that is there when you reminisce, when you remember, when you touch your memories?
Why is there a missing link or black hole when it comes to remembering the taste, sensation and utter joy of chocolate slipping down your throat, the sensation of that excruciating physical pain you felt for days, the gentle yet passionate kiss of a sweet person, the touch, voice and smell of a dead loved one.
You have the memories, your body reacts the way it did or should and yet there is emptiness.
You cant “feel” that kiss.
You cant “smell” their scent.
You cant “taste” the chocolate and you cant “feel” the pain.
Of course you cant…you aren’t there or experiencing it at the moment but when you touch the memories part of you expects to “feel” every sensation again.
You cant, even if you truly want to with all your heart.
Besides the memories of pain the others spark little hopes and dreams.
You know you can and will taste chocolate again.
Your memories keep your loved one alive with in you and because you loved, even though it pains, you want to feel that again and you wish to feel lips touch yours again.
This empty, confused, missing link is what pushes humanity forward.
To keep living and loving. We want to “feel” everything.
Pain, touch, taste, pounding heartbeat!
We want to know we are alive, we want to be alive, we want to feel alive.
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