Cant work, wont work, want to work, hate work what the hell!!!!

Written 11 Jan 2011 Im always so impressed with people who can just sit and work. Im always jealous of them. I can write for hours and hours.....when i dont have to but when i have to do something...id rather chew my own head off, spit it out, throw it in a blender, turn that on and then feed that gunk to a pig!! Its not like i dont try!! Most of what ive ever had to do (this is excluding secondary school cause that place is just a fuck up of epic proportions!!) has been some element of a subject i like but there is some little piece of nasty shit that slams down in my mind and just doesnt let its greedy little hands off my already aging mind when i HAVE to work. (i swear to god if you could see my brain shes wrinkly, old with a fuzzy beard and she cant remember her own name!) If i say "stop worrying, do something you want to do" i will......half heartedly cause no matter what kind of Jedi and just bog standard mind tricks i do on myself im thinking about the work i SHOULD be doing. Im amazing at organising myself and i actually get a buzz off it so ill have everything planned out and ready.....but WONT DO IT!!! Ill sit at the table surrounded by books or colours or music or anything and ill try and try and try .... and my stomach will knot, my head aches, my body gets tense (and no breathing deeply does nothing at this point!), i want to vomit,ill think about emotional elements that are hurting in my life or what the hell im ever going to do with the rest of my life...which could end any second, if im alone ill start shouting at myself (yes this is slightly insane....fuck you and your boring sanity!), then ill start cajoling myself, being kind to myself, start roaring again, slam my fist off the table, roar at the dogs for simply breathing, put more wood on the fire cause how DARE IT go so low im actually cold, chew my lip, go get some water cause now im too bloody hot, stare at the subject ive chosen to do with tears running down my face cause i DONT WANT TO DO IT BUT I FUCKING HAVE TO!!! or i let myself down, i let my family down, im embaress myself, and i hate myself cause i NEVER DO SOMETHING TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITIES CAUSE I WANT TO SAY FUCK YOU to the WORLD!!! ......and like i said, its an element of a subject i like so i should like doing it!! Jeez it would be handy if it worked with food......"I have to eat this chocolate.....YESSS I DONT WANT IT NOW!!!" I will eventually find a way of not doing it....or throw anything out that is a minute representation of my abiltiy....and yes, i know i can do a million times better in anything i chose but...........i rarely discover how to bring that all out. Its usually suffocating under an element i cant even put into words. An emotion or personality trait or physical tumour that just wont let me be. I want to be like you workers.....the people that just do and dont have to think about why they are doing it. There are people who do things for just the joy of it. There are people who do it out of obligation, a need to work at what ever, out of survival.....so many reasons, for what ever reason these people can just work!! I cant find where i fit! I cant manipulate my own head and heart into doing what i have to do. I really feel like im dead. Knock knock...hello?! Whos there?....Im looking for Desire and passion. are they in?......hahahahahahahahahaaa!!! your funny!! they havnt been here in a long time, actually if i remember rightly (you have to realise im an old, wrinkly brain) i shot them and buried them in the back garden!....what?! but i thought i saw them a few months back. they said they were excited about a new course?!......ah those jokers spirits haunt dumbasses who believe them! now if youd excuse me id like to finish rotting in my gray matter. If anyone out there knows what mental illness im suffering from could you shed a little light on a cure?!!! And fuck you people who think im lazy, IM NOT!! and for those who think i procrastinate....ive followed all the advice, ive done it all and it HASNT WORKED!!!! And if it was procrastination would i be belting the table in anger?!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

How do you mend the break before it happens?

My heart is struggling to keep itself locked away. Its holding tight to its chains but you are pulling it free…with tears in its eyes its hoping that you can…that you will.

How do you stop your heart spiralling into love when you know the one you love could be gone faster then you can comprehend? How do you mend the break before it happens? How do you forgive a world that is tearing you apart or how do you accept promises that will take the one you cherish away from you? How do you forget a person who is perfect even in his flaws? How do you pick yourself up when you feel no strength or life left?

I cant leave you go. Music is sweeter with you. Food is more life giving. Adventure is more thrilling. Peace is real. Tears fall faster and my heart cant believe its over just as it accepts you.

I pray if this ends I find strength like ive never known before for its impossible to recover from someone who has never hurt you, never left you fall, taught you what kindness is and made you believe in love.


Maybe it wont be me that comes out of the flames. Maybe im not supposed to get back up this time.

Paths

Cant help thinking back and feeling the past. Cant help wondering at the blatantly obvious times i had to choose between many paths. Sometimes i ran through the cross roads without looking and sometimes i sat in the middle taking a look down each one and deciding on which path was the best for me. Each time the one thought that ran through my mind was 'please let this choice be for my higher self and higher purpose. Lead me to where my destiny lies.' Thing is, each time i knew the path would lead me to my destiny, i was just deciding on the route. Was it going to be a mountainous climb, was i going to be dragged under waves or was i going to ride them and float over the mountains.

I regret a lot and yet i regret nothing. I regret hurting people and i regret being hurt. Yet, if i hadnt taught you youd never learn and if you hadnt taught me id never learn. Im sorry for the pain but i hope your eyes open that bit more...to what, i dont know.

The paths i didnt choose niggle at the memories in my mind. Some my heart deeply regret, some i know i didnt need. Some of the most painful mountains i climbed i could see coming but i didnt stop. Even when the confusion blinded me and the pain crippled. There was no point in stopping when the lesson is one of the greatest you will learn.

In the end though, how can you regret your choices if you have chosen with your eyes wide open to every possible outcome. Your heart may hurt, your mind may be battered but your soul is stronger then ever. Once your soul regrets nothing the heart and mind will follow.

The taste of change can be sweet or very very bitter but it will always excite your adrenaline. Learn to enjoy its effects in your blood and let it drive you head long through the change, your heart pumping with an adrenaline fuelled grin, your mind sucking up the lessons and beauty to be learnt and your soul driving!

Dont listen to people who think they know you. Only you know yourself and if you cant hear your own voice, selfish peoples advice will deafen you further. Once you can hear your own tone you will hear the beautiful tones of your true friends voices. Dont follow the mundane unless you can see that path freeing your heart soon. If you doubt dont go. If its hurts leave.

You will always be thrown into a space thats 'not' working and you will be pummelled with the paths you didnt take but theres no turning back. You know in the darkest part of your being you either keep going or give up. Keep going. Push through as the deep breath you are given, once your through, is amazing and the beginning of a new life. At the end of these lessons you are always given a gift. Learn to see them no matter how small. Be thankful. The huge gifts you are given place in your heart and forever show thanks for them. Never let them go. They are the weapons and warriors life gives you to fight through the next struggle or the flowers and friends that dance in the gentle paths with you. Once you’ve reached your destiny, they are the gifts you will die with by your side. Fulfilled and happy.