Cant work, wont work, want to work, hate work what the hell!!!!

Written 11 Jan 2011 Im always so impressed with people who can just sit and work. Im always jealous of them. I can write for hours and hours.....when i dont have to but when i have to do something...id rather chew my own head off, spit it out, throw it in a blender, turn that on and then feed that gunk to a pig!! Its not like i dont try!! Most of what ive ever had to do (this is excluding secondary school cause that place is just a fuck up of epic proportions!!) has been some element of a subject i like but there is some little piece of nasty shit that slams down in my mind and just doesnt let its greedy little hands off my already aging mind when i HAVE to work. (i swear to god if you could see my brain shes wrinkly, old with a fuzzy beard and she cant remember her own name!) If i say "stop worrying, do something you want to do" i will......half heartedly cause no matter what kind of Jedi and just bog standard mind tricks i do on myself im thinking about the work i SHOULD be doing. Im amazing at organising myself and i actually get a buzz off it so ill have everything planned out and ready.....but WONT DO IT!!! Ill sit at the table surrounded by books or colours or music or anything and ill try and try and try .... and my stomach will knot, my head aches, my body gets tense (and no breathing deeply does nothing at this point!), i want to vomit,ill think about emotional elements that are hurting in my life or what the hell im ever going to do with the rest of my life...which could end any second, if im alone ill start shouting at myself (yes this is slightly insane....fuck you and your boring sanity!), then ill start cajoling myself, being kind to myself, start roaring again, slam my fist off the table, roar at the dogs for simply breathing, put more wood on the fire cause how DARE IT go so low im actually cold, chew my lip, go get some water cause now im too bloody hot, stare at the subject ive chosen to do with tears running down my face cause i DONT WANT TO DO IT BUT I FUCKING HAVE TO!!! or i let myself down, i let my family down, im embaress myself, and i hate myself cause i NEVER DO SOMETHING TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITIES CAUSE I WANT TO SAY FUCK YOU to the WORLD!!! ......and like i said, its an element of a subject i like so i should like doing it!! Jeez it would be handy if it worked with food......"I have to eat this chocolate.....YESSS I DONT WANT IT NOW!!!" I will eventually find a way of not doing it....or throw anything out that is a minute representation of my abiltiy....and yes, i know i can do a million times better in anything i chose but...........i rarely discover how to bring that all out. Its usually suffocating under an element i cant even put into words. An emotion or personality trait or physical tumour that just wont let me be. I want to be like you workers.....the people that just do and dont have to think about why they are doing it. There are people who do things for just the joy of it. There are people who do it out of obligation, a need to work at what ever, out of survival.....so many reasons, for what ever reason these people can just work!! I cant find where i fit! I cant manipulate my own head and heart into doing what i have to do. I really feel like im dead. Knock knock...hello?! Whos there?....Im looking for Desire and passion. are they in?......hahahahahahahahahaaa!!! your funny!! they havnt been here in a long time, actually if i remember rightly (you have to realise im an old, wrinkly brain) i shot them and buried them in the back garden!....what?! but i thought i saw them a few months back. they said they were excited about a new course?!......ah those jokers spirits haunt dumbasses who believe them! now if youd excuse me id like to finish rotting in my gray matter. If anyone out there knows what mental illness im suffering from could you shed a little light on a cure?!!! And fuck you people who think im lazy, IM NOT!! and for those who think i procrastinate....ive followed all the advice, ive done it all and it HASNT WORKED!!!! And if it was procrastination would i be belting the table in anger?!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!