Do you really see me....or me you?

To go from screaming in pain, tears rushing down your face, your body shaking and rocking uncontrollably to switching it all off in a second. Your face goes hard and cold looking, you dont recognize the death mask but you dont care, the vulnerability is gone. The anger and fear go back to their rightful home in the pit of your dead stomach. You stand up, straight and taller then ever before! You feel the barriers come crashing down around you and you dont care that their struts burst through your skin, drive through every muscle, and lodge in your heart, they keep you 'protected'. Your legs buckle under the pressure but you like the physical pain.It pushes you. To lock your pain away your stomach muscles tighten so much you want to throw up. Your chest rises less and less as if a proper breath would let your heart free. You dont care. To finish off you bring a delicate veil over your body so people see pink around you. Your lips curl into a smile, you even know which muscles to move around your eyes to make them look more alive. Spoken to, you control your voice. You are a deception, a fake, a lier and a damn fine actress. Everyone is deceptive but to watch your skill is frightening... and a lesson.

Im a listener not a feeler!!

I woke up this morning thinking where the fuck has my ability to use a simple thing like a clutch gone! I was always able to use the fucking shite clutch in the car but the past few weeks i was being beaten by it! Then this morning while rocking out to The Subways it hit me "I'm a feeler not a listener." Besides the confidence shattering first lesson i had i was being told to listen to the car....forgetting my dad taught me to feel the car. Everyone says "youll feel the biting point" but then seem to say listen to the car and youll know if its about to cut out. uh...yea....not me!! (for those peeps out there that do both...i hate you!) .... (joke!;) ) anyway i went out, turned the music up and took off...and had a smooth drive!! I just felt the car, glanced at the revs (had to make sure i wasnt gona make the car blow up!) and forgot everything i had been taught about how to drive the car!

Had to laugh as it hit me this is such a metaphor for how i approach life in general!! ;)

Rant bout generations!

Is every aspect of human development occurring earlier these days? Children who should be running around in what ever clothes they happen to be in that day, with little at all to worry about except mums narky comment about the mud on their knees are now throwing tantrums because they cant get the same pair of pants that Britney Pomegranate Monday Jones down the road got for her 11th birthday, the ones designed by the latest skinny malink, starlet! Girls as young as 12 are being given a shot for cervical cancer, a cancer sometimes associated with sex. This brings up the sexual conversations ive heard from 12 year olds about how far they’ve gone with their latest fling! Are young children becoming more sexually active then I am?! In fairness, I’m a bloody nun!

I suppose with the above happening the conversation I had with a friend recently isn’t that shocking, the “Early to mid twenties life crisis” we seem to be going through, but who says that really. Mid life crisis is much shorter… I'm having a mid life crisis at 23! A MID LIFE CRISIS!! I haven’t even hit mid life! What the hell is mid life now anyway? The average length of a human life keeps growing, different aspects of society, the food we eat, the family we were brought up in, the friends we have, the mood we are in, the bloody gene pool were from…they all add or take a few hours from our clocks. Either way myself and a lot my friends seem to be going through a crisis.
We don’t know what we are supposed to do with our lives! What can we do that will make us money and make us happy? We don’t want to be stuck in ruts, in jobs we don’t like, hauling our asses out of bed with that feeling of “oh god I don’t want this” in the pit of our stomachs. Most of us don’t want kids and some of us definitely don’t want to get to where our parents are… stuck. We don’t want to struggle, we don’t want to be stuck in ruts and too “normalised” to be able to see anything different not a mind actually leave the secure rut. We don’t want to be unhappy and just going through the paces but that seems to be what society is dragging us into! I can hear the older generations croaking “god, when we were your age we didn’t stop and think about what would make us happy. We just put our heads down, got a secure (bawke!) job, hopefully got married and had kids. All this ‘finding yourself and your right path’ is a load of rubbish. Suck it up and get on with life.”

But here’s the thing…I’m not part of the ‘older generation’! I belong to the new generation and personally I’m sick and bloody tired of the older generation telling us to get on with things but constantly mumbling that they are unhappy, work really hard and get no thanks for it. Well ill thank them…I say “thanks for fucking this country up so I am constantly getting turned away when I'm on my knees, in the mud begging for a job so I can move out of home, get out of my parents hair and support myself…but there’s no jobs!! Thanks for creating a country that’s so bloody depressing and unstable that we're all leaving! Thanks for constantly moaning about this country and not getting off your butts to do something about it! Thanks for indulging your greed in the Celtic tiger and footing us with the bills! Thanks for spoiling your little brats so now they think their 23 at 12!” (Suppose I can’t really blame the older generation for the shocking weather...can I?!) I greatly appreciate being called selfish for wanting to be happy…just remember it’s the leaders, guides, OLDER GENERATION that teaches and creates their descendants, representations of YOU! If the older generation doesn’t like this new way of living i.e. Trying to be happy then they can…FUCK OFF! They were the younger generation once and probably pissed their older generation off. This is the way of evolution. I just hope they’ve gone through their mid life crisis’ before we hit ours full on cause that would be like… a house full of menopausal women!! But that’s for another rant!! Embrace the mid life crisis guys! At least it’ll be over and done with when we hit 50 and by then well have been wallowing in genuine happiness for years! For those of the older generation that actually support us immature, dreamers…ROCK ON!! Ye so totally embraced the 60’s and 70’s didn’t ye?! … still there yea? Deadly! ;)