Written 29/11/09
I can't see through the tears,
I don't know why I'm even brushing my teeth.
Am i getting myself ready to be presented to God?
My minds screaming and wailing in pain.
I don't even want to stop crying anymore.
It just happens. The stabbing pain in my gut just keeps throbbing, keeps my breath breaking.
I can't see my face in the mirror, the tears blind me,
but my hands still find the soap.
They still gently wash my tear soaked face with soft, warming water.
They still search for and find the towel to dab my face dry before the tears soak it again.
My blind eyes cant even see my glasses but my steady hands always find them.
My mind shakes uncontrollably, my breath comes in painful sobs but my legs stand strong.
My hands dress me, ready for sleep.
My fingers turn on and off lights.
My legs guide me to bed.
My eyes always releasing their tears.
My hands take the bobble down and smooth my hair around my face.
They pull the covers over my body and hide me away.
Now i can cry into my pillow as my knees curl up to my chest, my arms covering my breaking heart. Protecting, stopping me from falling apart.
My mind maybe screaming, my heart feels as if its dieing but my body keeps going.
"There is always one part of you that can keep going."
1 December 2009
6 October 2009
On and on.
Ive no idea where i am or where im going. Im just walking. Forward. I cant seem to grasp a hold of anything, anyone or any thought. Im just moving. Ideas and people are flying towards me or walking towards me and i just dont move out of the way. As they come too close they suddenly bounce off me. Some walls and barriers have collapsed and are strewn in my path where as others are being re enforced and others still are being rebuilt while these weird wild but beautiful hedge rows are being newly built. Prickly in parts but a lot softer than the walls and they have gaps in them for me to peek through. Ive no idea what im crushing under my feet, ive no idea if im hurting anyone and ive some vague idea of being hurt but its all....not really there. I cant see anything, all i can feel is a pull and sense of people walking beside me, quietly. I hear nothing but music. My heads confused and my body tired but im still moving forward. One foot in front of the other...automatically moving. Feeling elated the odd time but on this level ground most of the time. I wonder is there a happy ground waiting and thats what im walking towards. Even tho i know theres nasty stuff bubbling underneath i still feel peaceful. Even tho i know something or someone could send me plummeting im not worried about falling anymore. I can get up again. For now im just walking...forward. Forward. Forward. On and on. Determined.
25 August 2009
Rant about religion cause im annoyed!
Written 23 Aug 09
"By the Wiccan law ye must
in perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan rede fulfill
An it harm none do what ye will
Follow this with mind and heart
merry meet and merry part"
When i lost trust and love in Catholicism i got lost and floundered around trying to find my belief. I was only 12 and alone and it was only when i saw that verse written in a random book that i knew it was where my foundations lay. True Wicca.....not the hollywood, dark, spell casting 'Witchcraft', is based on that rede and being connected to the earth and respecting each and every human and their beliefs. Never harming anyone. Once you learnt enough about it you realise the spell casting isnt what people believe it to be. Its positive thinking. Its manifesting what you wish. Its believing God, Goddess, universe who ever you believe in will help you attain what you want and what is right and good for your life. Witchcraft is NOT 'spells' and hocus pocus'! It is bein true to yourself, knowing who you are and treating every other human and mother earth with respect and love.
Now Wiccan is my foundation. I always go to it when i feel lost again but my whole belief system pulls from Hinduism, Buddhism, Islamic, Christian, Judaism, and every other religious beliefs that have beautiful foundations. I try and live by the rede but im only human and fail many times but at least i try and harm none and if they are harming me i walk away. My belief is possibly the strongest thing about me. But right now i would love to face off with who ever wrote a certain 'christian' website i found.
From destroying the Wiccan rede to stating that Astrology is evil to asking their followers to make sure their children dont even wear anything with a butterfly as it is a symbol for transformation in many beliefs, this website......these humans are doing their little bit to add to the hatred in this world. WE ALL READY HAVE PLENTY OF THAT!
''''As our nation slides back toward paganism, God’s people need to understand the increasing influence, trickery, and cruelty of the evil one – while always thanking and following our God, whose power is far greater. Therefore, I plead with all of you to exercise great caution when confronted with any sign of Satan’s work. Please read the section on God's armor, and remember that we leave the "breastplate of righteousness" behind when we go where He tells us not to go. For the armor that covers us is the very life of Jesus, our Lord. Walking with Him in His ways, we are always safe.''''
That is the end note to a page ripping pagan, Hindu, Buddhist and of course modern symbols apart. Taking the last section of this paragraph alone....its beautiful and true. Believe in God, Jesus, Buddha, Shiva, Jehovah, who ever and they will take care of you. Having a belief is one of the most important things someone can have in a world living off insecurities and fear, even if it is a belief there is nothing there, that is still a belief. But why are there always people in every religion, belief system, spirituality that has to degrade, destroy and spread negativity about beliefs they dont understand or believe in.
I am so incredibly tired of standing and listening to people ripping what i believe in apart. I will always listen and i will always take on board what is said and i WILL put my points across about matters in each religion i dont like but i will NEVER EVER say one or the other is evil or wrong. Firstly i dont know enough about any one belief system to do such a thing but also, who on this earth actually knows what is there? Who or what is guiding us if anything? Unless you have proof you died and were resurrected and you've a message from God for me take your propaganda and "we are the only right people and you are wrong and you will burn in hell" beliefs and ..... Im saying this in as nice a way as possible.....choke on it! I will respect your beliefs but I WILL NOT stand and take your fear. I will not bend to your promises of being saved when you use fear to push that. Only weak people use fear to get what they want. And I WILL take anyone i love and respect out of your clutches too.
On the most basic level people need to learn to RESPECT each other and their beliefs. Until that happens or the amount of people with respect aoutway those who hate what they dont believe were gona keep all this "evil" going. The "evil one" is the reactions of people who arent open minded and scared. Knowledge is power but its wisdom that truely rules. Open your eyes and see were all right as long as we love and respect.
"By the Wiccan law ye must
in perfect love and perfect trust
Eight words the Wiccan rede fulfill
An it harm none do what ye will
Follow this with mind and heart
merry meet and merry part"
When i lost trust and love in Catholicism i got lost and floundered around trying to find my belief. I was only 12 and alone and it was only when i saw that verse written in a random book that i knew it was where my foundations lay. True Wicca.....not the hollywood, dark, spell casting 'Witchcraft', is based on that rede and being connected to the earth and respecting each and every human and their beliefs. Never harming anyone. Once you learnt enough about it you realise the spell casting isnt what people believe it to be. Its positive thinking. Its manifesting what you wish. Its believing God, Goddess, universe who ever you believe in will help you attain what you want and what is right and good for your life. Witchcraft is NOT 'spells' and hocus pocus'! It is bein true to yourself, knowing who you are and treating every other human and mother earth with respect and love.
Now Wiccan is my foundation. I always go to it when i feel lost again but my whole belief system pulls from Hinduism, Buddhism, Islamic, Christian, Judaism, and every other religious beliefs that have beautiful foundations. I try and live by the rede but im only human and fail many times but at least i try and harm none and if they are harming me i walk away. My belief is possibly the strongest thing about me. But right now i would love to face off with who ever wrote a certain 'christian' website i found.
From destroying the Wiccan rede to stating that Astrology is evil to asking their followers to make sure their children dont even wear anything with a butterfly as it is a symbol for transformation in many beliefs, this website......these humans are doing their little bit to add to the hatred in this world. WE ALL READY HAVE PLENTY OF THAT!
''''As our nation slides back toward paganism, God’s people need to understand the increasing influence, trickery, and cruelty of the evil one – while always thanking and following our God, whose power is far greater. Therefore, I plead with all of you to exercise great caution when confronted with any sign of Satan’s work. Please read the section on God's armor, and remember that we leave the "breastplate of righteousness" behind when we go where He tells us not to go. For the armor that covers us is the very life of Jesus, our Lord. Walking with Him in His ways, we are always safe.''''
That is the end note to a page ripping pagan, Hindu, Buddhist and of course modern symbols apart. Taking the last section of this paragraph alone....its beautiful and true. Believe in God, Jesus, Buddha, Shiva, Jehovah, who ever and they will take care of you. Having a belief is one of the most important things someone can have in a world living off insecurities and fear, even if it is a belief there is nothing there, that is still a belief. But why are there always people in every religion, belief system, spirituality that has to degrade, destroy and spread negativity about beliefs they dont understand or believe in.
I am so incredibly tired of standing and listening to people ripping what i believe in apart. I will always listen and i will always take on board what is said and i WILL put my points across about matters in each religion i dont like but i will NEVER EVER say one or the other is evil or wrong. Firstly i dont know enough about any one belief system to do such a thing but also, who on this earth actually knows what is there? Who or what is guiding us if anything? Unless you have proof you died and were resurrected and you've a message from God for me take your propaganda and "we are the only right people and you are wrong and you will burn in hell" beliefs and ..... Im saying this in as nice a way as possible.....choke on it! I will respect your beliefs but I WILL NOT stand and take your fear. I will not bend to your promises of being saved when you use fear to push that. Only weak people use fear to get what they want. And I WILL take anyone i love and respect out of your clutches too.
On the most basic level people need to learn to RESPECT each other and their beliefs. Until that happens or the amount of people with respect aoutway those who hate what they dont believe were gona keep all this "evil" going. The "evil one" is the reactions of people who arent open minded and scared. Knowledge is power but its wisdom that truely rules. Open your eyes and see were all right as long as we love and respect.
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