Souls

Written 21 Dec 2010 I cant breath or live without the souls I have been sent. I hope for your forgiveness for anything I have done to hurt, annoy, anger, or disturb any of you but I am only human, I try but cant always succeed. I wish for you to know… I love you and I am forever grateful for being given permission to share your lives. My south African angel who’s more Irish sometimes then I am. You inspire my creativity, the side of me that keeps me wanting to breath. The side I can not live with out but am so unfamiliar with. You nurture it with your own beautiful creativity and spirit. Your ability to just go with the flow and see life logically but with beauty helps ground me but not loose myself. I cant thank you enough for your love. Never give up on your dream, you are an artist. The man from the beautiful Kingdom I hope to call home in the future. I love your ability to be creative in every way you could dream of and I love your humbleness in not realising this. Your innocence in your ability makes me love you more but also reminds me to accept the fact…im the same. I see how amazing you are and how you should never feel below anyone else as you could fly above them all. You are so full of some of the most beautiful love Ive seen. Channel it into yourself and become your dream. My English beauty. Your insane bubblyness is a release for such an important side of me, my inner child. She can come out and make me be myself because of your innocent child that never hides from the world. You are my spiritual equal and you never belittle or dominate my beliefs. You help them stand strong and breath life. You inspire and lift me up so high I could fly to the stars. Your determination and strength will always carry you forward. Never loose faith in it. My personality equal from Germany, what can I say except your always right. You always seem to be there when im at my lowest and you simply sit down in the dirt with me, even the dirt I made myself. You either speak the right words and gently help me stand again or when ive no strength you role in the dirt and get as dirty as me…you are a presence there to remind me im never alone. Remember you never are either. Someone will always be there for you just as you are for all of us. I could take on the world with you all. You are all so inspiring and all so incredibly beautiful. I am so grateful for you all. No matter what ever happens in our lives you are the only ones I will forever be grateful for and who I will always love. I hope you all realise how amazing you are. You all have the ability to look at others and see their strengths and the beauty in them. Its time you turned and faced yourselves and saw the beauty in yourselves. Thank you for all you have ever done for me. I look forward to dominating this world with you!! ;) ALL of my friends. I love you. You are my strength in a world that is created to make every soul fall. I will never fall because you are all flying next to me. We will all fly higher then those that went before us.

From my Birthday card written by DeeLor! ;) over 18s only!!

""Gemma went to the shop on her birthday and bought...a damp hedge. In the damp hedge she found a Mellow Yellow man. Tada *Memory* Tada. Gemma knew how powerful Mellow Yellow mans nose was, she knew it a bit too well. Surprisingly on a Thursday Naval Pineapple appeared. "Codswallop" he shouted. "Where's my Munchkin ?" A mystery Tangerine turned up with the Munchkin in his arms! Gemma fished out a lopsided bollix out of her pocket and gave it to the Tangerine, thanking him. mmmmmm yummmm exclained the Tangerine as he ate the bollix and zooooomed into the sky. But Gemma wasn't jealous for long, as she knew she had a play date with the friendly neighborhood sheep Paul. Paul tried to scare Gemma, the basic booo, nothing special. Gemma kicked him back over the chipmunk field and scoffed her bag of bollix, the happiest girl in Waybaloo land!! **What a wonderfully random birthday!**"" I love this story. Take it as read or read into it!! hahahaa!! Love you girls!! yer nuts!!

Cant work, wont work, want to work, hate work what the hell!!!!

Written 11 Jan 2011 Im always so impressed with people who can just sit and work. Im always jealous of them. I can write for hours and hours.....when i dont have to but when i have to do something...id rather chew my own head off, spit it out, throw it in a blender, turn that on and then feed that gunk to a pig!! Its not like i dont try!! Most of what ive ever had to do (this is excluding secondary school cause that place is just a fuck up of epic proportions!!) has been some element of a subject i like but there is some little piece of nasty shit that slams down in my mind and just doesnt let its greedy little hands off my already aging mind when i HAVE to work. (i swear to god if you could see my brain shes wrinkly, old with a fuzzy beard and she cant remember her own name!) If i say "stop worrying, do something you want to do" i will......half heartedly cause no matter what kind of Jedi and just bog standard mind tricks i do on myself im thinking about the work i SHOULD be doing. Im amazing at organising myself and i actually get a buzz off it so ill have everything planned out and ready.....but WONT DO IT!!! Ill sit at the table surrounded by books or colours or music or anything and ill try and try and try .... and my stomach will knot, my head aches, my body gets tense (and no breathing deeply does nothing at this point!), i want to vomit,ill think about emotional elements that are hurting in my life or what the hell im ever going to do with the rest of my life...which could end any second, if im alone ill start shouting at myself (yes this is slightly insane....fuck you and your boring sanity!), then ill start cajoling myself, being kind to myself, start roaring again, slam my fist off the table, roar at the dogs for simply breathing, put more wood on the fire cause how DARE IT go so low im actually cold, chew my lip, go get some water cause now im too bloody hot, stare at the subject ive chosen to do with tears running down my face cause i DONT WANT TO DO IT BUT I FUCKING HAVE TO!!! or i let myself down, i let my family down, im embaress myself, and i hate myself cause i NEVER DO SOMETHING TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITIES CAUSE I WANT TO SAY FUCK YOU to the WORLD!!! ......and like i said, its an element of a subject i like so i should like doing it!! Jeez it would be handy if it worked with food......"I have to eat this chocolate.....YESSS I DONT WANT IT NOW!!!" I will eventually find a way of not doing it....or throw anything out that is a minute representation of my abiltiy....and yes, i know i can do a million times better in anything i chose but...........i rarely discover how to bring that all out. Its usually suffocating under an element i cant even put into words. An emotion or personality trait or physical tumour that just wont let me be. I want to be like you workers.....the people that just do and dont have to think about why they are doing it. There are people who do things for just the joy of it. There are people who do it out of obligation, a need to work at what ever, out of survival.....so many reasons, for what ever reason these people can just work!! I cant find where i fit! I cant manipulate my own head and heart into doing what i have to do. I really feel like im dead. Knock knock...hello?! Whos there?....Im looking for Desire and passion. are they in?......hahahahahahahahahaaa!!! your funny!! they havnt been here in a long time, actually if i remember rightly (you have to realise im an old, wrinkly brain) i shot them and buried them in the back garden!....what?! but i thought i saw them a few months back. they said they were excited about a new course?!......ah those jokers spirits haunt dumbasses who believe them! now if youd excuse me id like to finish rotting in my gray matter. If anyone out there knows what mental illness im suffering from could you shed a little light on a cure?!!! And fuck you people who think im lazy, IM NOT!! and for those who think i procrastinate....ive followed all the advice, ive done it all and it HASNT WORKED!!!! And if it was procrastination would i be belting the table in anger?!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!